Apathy - Story Behind The Song
The sinner’s moonlight, it flickers in
I’m gone on codeine, Xan, and gin
Four more ounces til I stop trying
One who forgets ain’t no friend of mine
She split at midnight and her trail’s gone cold
My love song lyrics pawned her gold
Left sitting here wasted and locked out to freeze
I wish I had your apathy
Stare at the streetlights to burn the pain
Her skin is bare, her thoughts are vain
She’s impulsive and numb and needs to heal
Overly drunk, yet even-keeled
Grabs a willing hand and leads to the door
Fifteen minutes, room 204
She needs a friend who resembles me
I wish you had my apathy
...
I actually wrote the first draft of this song in high school when I first really dove into the fragile art of songwriting. I was listening to lots of Neil Young and Johnny Cash at the time, which explains the folk aesthetic. The original iteration was all recorded first take. I did record the guitar and vocals separately, however. So, two takes. One of guitar, one of vox. Done.
The first draft of the song itself was about a fragile relationship I was in at the time. Like many high school relationships, it was very much a roller coaster ride of being content one minute and then in a state of discontent the next. Love each other one moment, fall out of love the next. The specific examples involve getting drunk (though I never drank alcohol until after I graduated from high school) to deal with being hurt as well as depending on the physical and sexual companionship of others to distract from the pain of the dysfunctional relationship. Despite having being written around 7 years ago, I decided to put the song on the record for two reasons. First, because I have been through similar relationships since then, so the message still resonates. Second, I would say that to this day, it is one of my better songs. Many claim that an artist’s favorite songs are written in five minutes. I can’t argue with that theory seeing how this one was written in four. I just wrote what was on my mind without thinking how others would react. A very important quality in good writing from what I’ve been told.
After some time reflecting on it, I wanted to make apathy the closer of the record. It always gave me a solemn, haunted feeling when it ended. So I actually reworked the lyrics to give the song - A darker tone...Surprise!
For some reason, the vocal takes on the revised version took a lot longer than the original takes did. I just didn’t like the timbre of my voice and what was being recorded. After probably 30 different takes, I just did a take of the first verse that I thought was decent enough to keep. Then came the 2nd verse. Something about the annunciation and inflection that I wanted to add wasn’t translating well to the track. I probably ran through the 2nd verse 50 times before getting super frustrated and stopping for a bit. The break in recording led me to my refrigerator, where I had some Jim Beam left over from when Matt visited. One glass led to four glasses, which led to a warm numb feeling spreading throughout my body.
So, yes, the second verse is actually me singing drunk. The exact thing that a vocalist is not supposed to do. Either way, it sounds pretty haunting - especially with the warped vinyl effect that I added to the track in post production. The song sounds like it could be in a slasher film.
